Despite riding high on pandemic fever, the star of “Trump” is taking no chances on his bid to get renewed for a second season. Plot twists like market meltdowns and record-breaking unemployment have provided plenty of drama, but that hasn’t stopped you-know-who from looking ahead to November. The boss is doubling down, pressing his writers to come up with zany new viral moments and never-saw-that-coming surprises that will keep Americans glued to their screens.
Two weeks of brainstorming on Zoom by the writing staff yielded the following shortlist of new episodes:
COVID-2020
COVID-19 was such a ratings bonanza for the Trump brand that we introduce an all-new virus just in time for the election. Hijinks ensue.
The Cooch
The Mooch is back and he’s having a super secret affair with Melanie — but everyone is in on it, including POTUS!
Who Shot Roger Stone?
Stoney takes a bullet for the team (Gotcha! We’ll fake the whole thing). But that won’t stop us from asking the questions: Why did Jim Comey do it? And why is Andrew McCabe still walking around free?
Where’s Ivanka?
When beloved first daughter Ivanka disappears there can only be one explanation: She was kidnapped by an Hispanic delivery driver (i.e., MS13) for Amazon (dogwhistle to the Bezos haters). POTUS is visibly shaken but remains steely (read: unaffected). Drag this out for months before Ivanka shows up in Riyadh on arm of MBS!! Did she convert to Islam? Might require tying up loose end, aka Jared. Bone saw?
Elections Are So Last Year
POTUS sets off a constitutional crisis when he suspends elections indefinitely — hey, he definitely has the power to do that. Let’s save this as an October surprise!
Pardon Me?
On the same day he pardons fellow predator, Harvey Weinstein, DJT rights another wrong by pardoning Ted Bundy. Say what you want, that guy was a ladies man. A posthumous pardon to the ultimate rogue in the rogue’s gallery would cement our credentials with the white-male-serial-killer vote — and that could be the margin of victory in at least one battleground state.
Launch the U.S.S. Donald Trump
Why wait? The new aircraft carrier, John F. Kennedy (what did he ever do besides get himself assassinated?) is about to make its maiden voyage. Let’s break a bottle of champagne over the bow and rename her The Donald J. Trump — right in front of his widow. Jaws will drop.
Covert COVID
POTUS takes sick and disappears from view. Spread rumors that he has a corona-like virus — but this time it was created by Bill Gates. Pros: A brush with death could humanize Donald J. Trump and cause an outpouring of sympathy for the only real victim of COVID-19. Cons: Can anyone stop him tweeting from his death bed?
Who Shot Rudy?
Rudy Giuliani gunned down in front of Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue. All signs point to Deep State operatives until real killer revealed in the final episode: DJT! Talk about a plot twist.
Like Son, Like Father
Everyone knows sparks fly when gold digger Kimberly Guilfoyle shows up at the White House on the arm of Don, Jr. Why stop at junior when you can have the OG Trump? Get ready for a battle royal between the hair parent and his heir apparent.
Gov. Cuomo, You’re Fired
What, you don’t think he can do that?
Meet Kitty Kushner
Two-time nepotist Jared Kushner adds to his already comical portfolio when he confirms widely-held assumption: He’s undergoing hormonal treatments and will be transitioning to a new character, Kitty Kushner. During this period, he will still masquerade as a child genius who can handle almost anything, from curing coronavirus to solving Mideast Peace to constructing the border wall. Pros: Guaranteed lifeline for president’s ratings with trans community. Cons: Could be a problem on high holidays.
Who Shot Eric?
Nix. Thoughts and prayers but no eyeballs.
Repent, Pence, Repent
It’s high time holier-than-thou Mike Pence fell in a honeypot. Kellyanne Conway is so done with George and she’s ready to set a trap for Missionary Mike. It gets really messy when Mother catches the pair holding hands in church.
Lazarus for the Rest of Us
Convicted pedophile and confirmed cadaver, Jeffrey Epstein, emerges alive and well — at Mar-a-Lago! And oh boy, audiences will be on the edge of their seats as he reveals bombshell details about how he was murdered by the Clintons in prison.